Forgiveness: JCC vs Jesus

Vacation and other responsibilities took me away from blogging for a bit, but they didn’t diminish my purpose, so I’m back at it.

For those of you who have inquired about Dad, thank you for your concern. I really don’t have much of an update, other than his situation has not changed. He still lives next door to my aunts, uncles, and cousins, but they do not talk or interact with him. He’s still completely isolated, ostracized, and abandoned by people who call themselves not just Christians, but who I have heard repeatedly say they are the “only ones going to heaven, at least in Treutlen and the surrounding counties”—and yes, that is a verbatim quote.

Dad stopped communicating with me shortly after I started this blog, but I keep in touch with family members outside of JCC and with friends in the community who regularly update me. He cut off communication because he still deeply wants to be accepted back into Johnson Chapel, and any association with me or this blog could further jeopardize his chances of being welcomed back into this church.

With Father’s Day this weekend, I think it’s appropriate to share diary entries from 1990. They capture the last few months of my dad’s second excommunication during my childhood, when he was once again torn away from our family by the leaders of JCC.

Before reading, a few things to keep in mind:

All text shown in blue is quoted directly from my diary.
Screenshots of the original diary pages are included below for anyone who would like to see them in their entirety.
I’ve omitted portions of the entries that were unrelated to my dad’s situation to keep the focus on what is relevant to this blog. However, images of the complete journal entries are included at the end of this post for anyone who would like to read them in their entirety.

Now, let’s dive in.

March 29, 1990

Today was one of those days when mama was all down and out – all of my family was I guess – I – we miss daddy. Especially mama and Les. I wonder all the time if daddy is doing all he can to be saved or if it is just Aunt Lottie and the family. In a way I want to believe it’s Aunt Lottie and family by what mama says. Then I have to believe the church. Anyway – if daddy was doing all he could wouldn’t God let him come home? After all God is fair. Every time I mention this to mama though she just says Mrs. Christine confessed to lying on a dream she told about DD just to get him turned out of the church. I know that’s true, but DD didn’t stay away 1 whole year and more. I feel as if we are wasting all our years of childhood without daddy – and we are. I know God’s seeing me write this so maybe he’ll do something.

April 2, 1990

It's been a few days since I wrote in you. And oh, it seems like 5 years. So much has happened. Friday was normal, nothing unusual happened. Saturday was... just how do I describe it. Maybe I will be right in saying Saturday was different. In church we had an altar call. Dad came down to the altar. I made up in my mind at the beginning when everyone was coming to the altar I wasn't going to cry, but when Lottie ,DD ,and others started bringing up daddy's past like not loving the “Halls,” marrying mama in the wrong spirit, I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. Can't people forgive and forget? I think they just don't want to forgive – right? At any rate daddy got a little further up the “ladder.” I know God heard my prayer the other Thursday night. Mama seems to have her hopes up. I don't though I would like to, maybe I’ll be surprised.

April 6, 1990

Much has happened since Monday. Wednesday night daddy got saved. I guess when you expect the worst you get the best. I don't know but I feel a lot better since I know he is saved. Aunt Lottie and others actually do love daddy -- that helped my feelings. I also think they're learning how to forgive maybe to forget to but we'll wait a while on that one.

Let’s pause there for a moment to reflect on what followed after that night in April 1990.

You’re probably expecting me to say Dad was immediately allowed to come back home with his family. After all, Jesus teaches that once someone sincerely repents, forgiveness and restoration are immediate. But, that didn’t happen to my Dad. That’s not JCC’s way.

As the diary entries that follow reveal, the next few months were filled with worry and anxiety for our entire family, Mom, Lara, Les, and I.

But before going further, let’s take a moment to contrast JCC’s response vs Jesus’ response.

Let’s take the story of Zacchaeus the tax collector, for example.

When Jesus saw him in the tree, He called him down and invited Himself to his house. Those in the crowd were not pleased. They grumbled and complained. Jesus didn’t waver though and declared “Today salvation has come to your house.”

The crowd in this story is the leaders of JCC today.

April 10, 1990

Today was mama's birthday. She got a jumper & blouse & some new shoes. But birthdays aren’t what’s on my mind. This is...

Tonight A. Kay called mama. She told her we stay down at granny's too much & ride the Husky too much. She said it wasn't cute when Les & Lara got bogged down in the pasture. Honestly, I don't understand.

Once A. Lottie told us to come down to their house often, I can't believe my own Aunts (A. Lash also) could be so very jealous.

I'm so hurt. All I can do is cry. I'm mad, sad, but like I said most of all hurt.

April 17, 1990

Note, I shared this diary entry in April, but to keep things in chronological order, I’m reposting here.

It has been a week since I wrote in you. The reason was because I was nothing but lazy. It definitely wasn’t because there was nothing interesting to write about. The holidays were fun, but nothing extraordinary. I got to stay down at the nursery with the baby twins.

Then came Friday, the day I had dreamed of for so long. I was “supposed” to go with Aunt Beckie to her school and egg hunt. But Mama thought it best for me to stay. Needless to say, because of her conversation with Aunt Kay. I stayed home willingly and tried to hide my disappointment…

Then came Easter Sunday. Daddy came and was warmly welcomed. Thank goodness. I think he’ll come home soon. If Aunt Kay will keep her mouth, dreams, suggestions, but most important her lies to herself and no one else. Because if she don’t that will be another thing one day I will have to revengeher for.

May 2, 1990

It's been a week since I wrote last. I have been hoping that daddy would come home but every day he gets farther away. All because of Aunt Kay. Or most of it anyway. But I am beginning to lean a little to what aunt Lottie & family say about daddy. Why? I don't know.

I can't give up on happiness. Someday I will be fully happy—

May 8, 1990

Yesterday I was so helped up and happy but now …. There’s no way to describe my feelings in words. It’s awful, terrible, horrible and worse. I have no one to turn to except Mama and I get tired of her. I need someone special. You’re probably dying to know what this awful thing is so here it is …

When Lara, Les and me got off at the nursery, Aunt Lash acted strange. I thought Miss Deborah had done something, but she didn’t. I know now.

When we got in the car, mama too acted odd. So I started asking the questions I do every day. What was said? Was it good? When will daddy be home? Then, she told us.

DeeDee talked to her and Lottie and Lynda about making us work, changing our clothes when we got home from school ,and of course, about daddy. When mama told me this, I sank into my seat and started blinking back tears that wouldn’t stop. When we got home, mama made us change. Lara and Les are outside but I’m not. Here I am at 5:30. I feel helpless and sorry for myself. Who can I trust now? Will my life ever be happy?

I won’t include every diary entry over the next several weeks. In summary, they reveal the strain, anxiety, and fear of living under constant scrutiny and concern that something we (Mom, Lara, Les, and me) did would affect Dad’s salvation, and thus, his potential for being allowed back into our home.

Finally, June 28th happened.

June 28, 1990

Well today it finally happened. Daddy got to come home. I’m so relieved but stressed because now I just have to worry that he will have to leave again.This is life for me, and us as a family. I wish the Halls felt by Mama and Daddy like the way they do about A. Kay and Raymond and A. Lash and Gerald. I guess I wish I could just stop and be happy in the moment and not worry about what I can’t control.

That final paragraph captures what my childhood in this church felt like: a constant undercurrent of worry, fear, and stress that at any moment life could change, that my parents or I would be called out and humiliated from the pulpit, subjected to the judgment of others. And, the ultimate worry that Dad would again be forced away from our family.

And 35 years later, that fear — the worst fear — happened.

The Discipline

A List of Offenses